2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Snapes on a plane.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.