2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.