Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!