Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Jesus Christ lmao

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.