Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

lmfao

mom gave me mine for free

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

adding to the discourse

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.