Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me