Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

Breaking news:

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

[eats all your cotton candy]

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.