2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I feel this so hard
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
