Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal