Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds