Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

pep talk

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”