Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

knights of the ikea table

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.