2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?



Me: No one knows.

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Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
The wife:


I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.


my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day


crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn


My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”


*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*


I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.


How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.


A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.


“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day


I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.