Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
2: Are chickens real?
Me: No one knows.
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.