2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me