2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”