2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Webb. James Webb.
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.