Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

j o i m p

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?