2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
guys i’ve cracked the code
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.