Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…