Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

She knows her part so well!

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.