2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids