Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

584.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

Everyone’s family

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.