2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Cashiers are always checking me out
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified