2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
me refusing to leave twitter
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow