2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
This is always good for a laugh.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business