2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
An odd boast
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: