Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

me, after any kind of buffet.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

describing stardew valley

me

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

SF is the wild wild west man

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen