[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
