2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor