2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
That’s commitment
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.