Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.