[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
lol
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.