20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas