20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Suuuuure
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.