20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.

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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.


I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.


Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’


My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?


If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”


If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground


[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good