People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Would you wear it?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.