Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Google Pay be like:

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.