Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

✨☝️✨

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car