[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
You Might Also Like
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.