Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”