20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.