20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
You Might Also Like
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES