Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.