Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.