20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
✌🏽
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The future is now.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35