Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”