Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

honestly, i need both:

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.