Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

When news reporters do sports stories

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

Winnipeg!!

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.