Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.