Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Hawk o the mornin tuah

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*