Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

My last name is Zilla.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”