Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was the best day of my life

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Think I pulled my liver

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.