Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

it must be school picture day

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.