20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
You Might Also Like
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
accurate
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.