Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.