20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
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*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
He-man has a Masters degree
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”