Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.