Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Oh boy, $150,000!

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.