Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!