20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.