Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

Need WebMD

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

oh good, now I can stop drinking

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”