Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out