Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Breakfast for Stoners:
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back