Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That lamp looks PISSED.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos