Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

I feel seen

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.