Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

This classic never gets old . . .

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.