Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.