20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners