“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Squirrels before girls.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
You had me at “define legal”.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
