“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Hamburger Hinderer.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
