“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
OH. COME. ON.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.