200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I see your IQ test came back negative
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.