200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.