200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
wait a minute….
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.