200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.